Why It's Hard for Managers to Coach. And Why You Should Try Anyway
Most managers think they're coaching, but often they're not. Here's why that matters, and how to start using everyday moments to unlock your team’s potential.
By Elina and Melissa Muth Martinez ·
This post is inspired by a recent conversation between Elina and Melissa, captured in a livestream. We touched on common coaching misconceptions, silent struggles managers face, and the tiny but powerful shifts that can turn a conversation into a moment of growth. In this post, we’ve distilled some key takeaways, but if you’d prefer to watch the full conversation: watch the livestream replay
The Coaching Illusion
You’re in your fourth one-on-one of the day. You’re behind on your own deadlines. And your team member just dropped a half-formed idea that probably won’t work.
You nod, pause, and hear yourself say: “Okay, here’s what I’d do…” It’s well-meaning. Efficient. Maybe even helpful. But it’s not coaching. And over time, it’s a pattern that stalls growth, both for them and for you.
One of the most common misunderstandings among managers is thinking they’re already coaching. You’re giving feedback, asking questions, guiding decisions. Simple enough, right?
But often, what feels like coaching is really a mix of mentoring, directing, or even rescuing.
True coaching isn’t about having the answer. It’s about creating the space for someone else to find it.
And that’s what makes it so powerful and so hard.
Why Coaching Feels Unnatural (Especially in Middle Management)
There are good reasons coaching doesn't come easily, even to thoughtful leaders:
The urgency trap: Under pressure, it feels faster to give advice than to ask questions.
The expert identity: Many managers are promoted for knowing the answers. Letting go of that role feels risky.
The power dynamic: Coaching requires equality and trust. But managers are also evaluators, decision-makers, and gatekeepers.
The culture: In many orgs, “coaching” is only used for underperformance or executive development, not everyday growth.
And yet, that’s exactly where coaching belongs: in the small, daily moments where thinking is shaped and potential is unlocked.
Coaching as a Leadership Mindset
You don’t need to run formal coaching sessions to benefit from a coaching approach.
In fact, you can start by simply looking for coaching moments—small opportunities to pause, shift gears, and invite the other person to think more deeply.
Ask:
“What have you already tried?”
“What outcome are you hoping for?”
“Where do you feel stuck?”
“What’s another way to look at this?”
It could be a career conversation, a check-in during onboarding, or even a feedback discussion. The point is not to add more to your plate, but to change how you show up in what’s already there.
The Case for Coaching (Even When It’s Hard)
Coaching helps your team build:
Self-efficacy: People own their solutions when they discover them.
Strategic thinking: Inquiry sparks reflection and better decision-making.
Trust: When people feel seen and supported, they show up better.
And it helps you grow too. Coaching asks you to let go of control, stay curious, and lead with humility. These are not just soft skills—they’re survival skills in today’s increasingly complex business landscape.
🛠 Try This: Five Coaching Moments That Matter
Want to begin? Look for these moments in your week:
One-on-Ones – Instead of updates, get curious. What’s working? What’s a challenge?
Onboarding – Ask how they learn best. Don’t just download—invite questions.
Career Check-ins – Explore long-term goals, not just short-term performance.
Underperformance Conversations – Start with their view: “What’s your take on how that went?”
Project Debriefs – Ask, “What would you do differently next time?”
Small shifts, big impact.
📥 Download the Guide: Coaching Moments for Managers
Elina and Melissa created a free PDF that walks through these five scenarios with example questions and tips for applying a coaching lens. Whether you’re brand new to coaching or just looking to sharpen your practice, it’s a simple, powerful tool to get started.
👉 Download the Coaching Moments Guide
We’d love to hear from you. What’s one coaching moment you’ve tried or struggled with?
And we’re planning a free webinar to go deeper on this topic. Help us shape the content by voting below:
View the original reader poll on Substack
Originally published on Substack.